How To Destroy Something Beautiful pt. 2
We've heard it before. It's so easy - falling in love. Especially when you meet the right person. Everything is new, exciting and sometimes, even scandalous. And you love it nonetheless. He's amazing and you feel like you're on the top of the world, wanting to scream out of happiness. He's so mysterious, yet so gentle. So sweet.
You go on dates. Ones that make the hours swing too fast. Ones where you feel sad when every restaurant and bar has closed, but you find yourself not wanting to leave. Ones that strip his layer one by one, revealing him to you. Where he's been, who he's dated, what he's done and what makes him feel the most alive.
Your friends would roll their eyes at the sound of his name. You would jump at every chance you get to talk about him. He's all you've been thinking about, day or night. When you wake up, when you time in for work or when you're at lunch wondering if he's going to ask you out for dinner tonight. And when he does, you play it cool. Maybe even say you've already made plans. But fully knowing that you'd cancel if he asks.
At least, that's how it is at the start.
Everything is going so good. In fact, everything is going so great. Then you start to worry. What if he leaves tomorrow? In two weeks? In a month? What if he doesn't find you as sexy anymore? What if you said too much? What if you didn't say enough? What if you reacted oddly? What if you're not good enough? What if he's going to find someone better? What if all of this was a ploy? What if. What if. What if.
And then all these what if's turn into resentment and guilt that would later turn into arguments and midnight fights. All these tears because of the voices in your head. You act irrationally, insecure, doubtful. You act on these worries. You try so hard to push them away. You even try to walk away. And one day, you will succeed.
Then you will cry. You fucked up. Maybe if you didn't worry so much. Maybe if you didn't care as much. Maybe if you cared a little more. Maybe if you didn't say anything. Maybe if you said something. Maybe if you stayed. Maybe if. Maybe if. Maybe if.
You'll wish to turn back time and start from the beginning. To not listen to your head but your heart. To stop thinking too much. To stop worrying. To stop being an asshole. And maybe you get to hold them in your arms for a little while longer. Maybe even forever.
We all wish love is easy. But it's not. It's a lot of battles between yourself and choosing the other person every day. It's hard but it's worth it. And yet it also makes you hopeful that one day, with the right kind of love, you stop being so scared of it and finally make it right.